Being selfish, I want you back

Hi baby girl. I got some news this week that has just shaken me to the core. We were told that your personal belongings would get returned to us. Your daddy and I have been trying to contact them for the past couple of years to get them back. We are now back in the area, back where I last had you in my arms and I thought we should go in person on base to inquire about it. Your daddy went the other day. He gave them his number and they were going to locate them and contact us. We got the call back the other day. It pains me so much to write this but I know I have to get it out. There were only three things I wanted back: your bedding, your jammies and your bear. I didn't really care about the rest. I just wanted the closest things to you when you took your last breath. The jammies you were wearing that felt the last time your chest rose. They are gone, destroyed, incinerated May 18, 2011. I sank to the ground. My heart felt like a knife was going through it. My stomach felt in knots. I wanted to punch the wall so hard. It felt like you had died all over again. We still do not have a complete answer as to your death and this was going to provide an ounce of closure for us. It doesn't help that I had just come to terms with parting with some of your belongings, to pass onto other kids to enjoy. Really regretting that right about now.

After the initial crying, I feel empty again, just plain numb. I miss you. I want you back. I keep going back to what daddy and I were doing on that day. Three days until our wedding anniversary and we were apart. I was traveling with your brother Matthew and who knows what your daddy was doing. We should of been together. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage. We should of been together that day. God it hurts so bad. I don't understand the pain. I don't understand why we lost you. Why you? Why us? If it's because God has some miraculous plan and knew I was strong enough to handle it, I'd rather be weak. Looking back, I'm amazed at how far I've come with this thing called grief. The funny thing with grief, however, is it's a vicious cycle. There's always something that pops up and brings it back full force. Shock and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. I've learned to recognize each stage, allow it to come and feel it. The bounce back to acceptance comes quicker each time. With that said, on some days I feel as if I'm just superficially holding the pieces together and that one day they will shatter. I have an amazing support system that helps tremendously. I thank you for bringing every person into my life in some way shape or form. I'm not sure how long it's going to take me this time to bounce back. It is by far the biggest blow since the day you passed on. Mama could really use a sign right about now. I love you more than you'll ever know.