Cleaning out Emails

Hey sweet baby girl :) I love you!!! I'm working on cleaning out my email box. Part of the whole decluttering my life streak I have going on right now. It's actually quite liberating. I came across the email that I had sent to the whole family:

Hayley had her follow-up cardiology apt. this morning. 
 
Her VSD is completely closed up!! YAY!! She still has a very small PFO (basically a flap connecting the two chambers has a teeny tiny hole still) but it's nothing to worry about and normal for her age. So, no more follow-ups and she won't need antibiotics for dental work. 
 
On another note, we were giving her milk for awhile there and it coincided with her all of the sudden waking up crying at all hours of the night and being super crabby and mean during the day along with a ton of gas. So, we took away the milk to see if that was it. Yup, she's not ready for milk quite yet. It's been 4 days and she's back to being a happy camper and sleeping all night again without a peep. So, we're going to keep her on it for awhile longer. 
 
Oh, and she's getting big! We realized the other night that she's going to be a bully. We went to a Christmas party and as soon as we got in the car, Matt said "our daughter is huge. she's going to be a bully". By huge, we mean she's not chubby, she's just extremely stocky, muscular and very strong. There were kids her age there and you would of thought hayley was months ahead of them. She went up to touch one of the boys but knocked him down instead. I don't think she completely recognizes her strength. 
 
I tried converting her crib to a toddler bed. I just had this strong feeling that it was time to do so. It's really easy with her crib. I just take off the front and put up the toddler rails. So, it basically looks like a crib minus the front and with two rails coming from the ends so she doesn't roll off. Well, I went to go attach the safety rails and realized that I had assembled her crib backwards! lol yeah, i bet that doesn't surprise any of you.. lol Anyways, she loved it and when it was time to go take a nap, she climbed up the stairs, walked into her room, climbed into her bed and laid down. However, I decided that she wasn't quite ready for the toddler bed yet because she thinks she can fly head first, so, as soon as she laid down for her nap, I put the front of the crib back up. We'll try another day. 
 
Branflakes 

Your dad and I STILL talk about that night at the Christmas party lol You were so strong, healthy, vibrant. I try not to swallow in self-pity but I get angry when I go back in time to those moments where I would think about what you would be like in a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, etc. and realize I will never know. At that moment, I had no idea we were only going to have you for such short amount of time. My dreams for you a year down the road would never come to fruition and I had no idea. I can only hope and pray that one day I will see your strength again in Heaven.

Oh and your bed - oh your crib lol You are so different from your brothers. Matthew and Lucas have to sleep with mommy. After 3 months, you, miss independent, insisted on sleeping in your own bed. lol I thought for sure you were ready for a toddler bed at a year because you had been attempting to climb out of your crib since you were 10 months. So, I converted it. Then I stayed in your room and watched you sleep. At that point, I realized that much like your brother, you are an octopus on the move. I was so scared you were going to fall out of bed headfirst that while you were sleeping, I put the crib rail back up. A few days later, I attempted again but put pillows on the floor at the opening. That didn't really work and I remember hearing the "thump" from downstairs so the crib rail went right back on. A few more days later, we went and bought you a longer mesh toddler bed thingermabobber so there was no way you were going to fall out. You loved it and I can still vision your little body walking to the end of the bed where the opening was, sitting on your bottom and scooting off every morning I came upstairs to get you. <3

I love you baby girl! I wish you were here to play with your brothers. Matthew keeps telling me that he keeps praying that you'll visit him in his dream to play with him. I told him his Hayley dream will come soon. Lucas broke his leg. Off all you kiddos, he was the least likely I'd expect to have the first injury in the family, let alone an injury at all. He's starting to put wait on his foot when he's laying down on his tummy so I think it is healing rather rapidly, thank God! We have tons of plans for this summer so hopefully he won't be in his cast much longer.

Your dada is moving soon.... errrrrr ..... we'll talk about that later

Anyways, I hope to write more soon. I'll post some pics soon of our Color Run we did in your memory. It was a blast and your brother Matthew ran the whole 5k and keeps asking to run more haha

Luv ya
Mommy

Being selfish, I want you back

Hi baby girl. I got some news this week that has just shaken me to the core. We were told that your personal belongings would get returned to us. Your daddy and I have been trying to contact them for the past couple of years to get them back. We are now back in the area, back where I last had you in my arms and I thought we should go in person on base to inquire about it. Your daddy went the other day. He gave them his number and they were going to locate them and contact us. We got the call back the other day. It pains me so much to write this but I know I have to get it out. There were only three things I wanted back: your bedding, your jammies and your bear. I didn't really care about the rest. I just wanted the closest things to you when you took your last breath. The jammies you were wearing that felt the last time your chest rose. They are gone, destroyed, incinerated May 18, 2011. I sank to the ground. My heart felt like a knife was going through it. My stomach felt in knots. I wanted to punch the wall so hard. It felt like you had died all over again. We still do not have a complete answer as to your death and this was going to provide an ounce of closure for us. It doesn't help that I had just come to terms with parting with some of your belongings, to pass onto other kids to enjoy. Really regretting that right about now.

After the initial crying, I feel empty again, just plain numb. I miss you. I want you back. I keep going back to what daddy and I were doing on that day. Three days until our wedding anniversary and we were apart. I was traveling with your brother Matthew and who knows what your daddy was doing. We should of been together. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage. We should of been together that day. God it hurts so bad. I don't understand the pain. I don't understand why we lost you. Why you? Why us? If it's because God has some miraculous plan and knew I was strong enough to handle it, I'd rather be weak. Looking back, I'm amazed at how far I've come with this thing called grief. The funny thing with grief, however, is it's a vicious cycle. There's always something that pops up and brings it back full force. Shock and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. I've learned to recognize each stage, allow it to come and feel it. The bounce back to acceptance comes quicker each time. With that said, on some days I feel as if I'm just superficially holding the pieces together and that one day they will shatter. I have an amazing support system that helps tremendously. I thank you for bringing every person into my life in some way shape or form. I'm not sure how long it's going to take me this time to bounce back. It is by far the biggest blow since the day you passed on. Mama could really use a sign right about now. I love you more than you'll ever know.

To our sweet baby girl:

I made this blog for your third anniversary but I wasn't ready to write in it yet. Here I am, a year later, four years after you left this earth, finally writing. I was remembering how on the night of April 3rd, 2008, we had ordered chinese and you got to eat kung pao chicken for the first time. We brought your highchair to the family room so we all sat together and watched TV while we ate dinner. Afterwards, your daddy gave you a bath. As always, you went potty in the tub. Daddy said "oh mommy......" We just sat there, laughing, saying "oh Hayley, silly girl." Daddy wrapped you up in your monkey towel, put you to the mirror and did the "naked baby" dance that he did every night he gave you a bath. I got your jammies and daddy got you dressed while I cleaned out the tub. We all went back to the family room. I sat on the couch working on my Master's research paper when you came, took my pen and started drawing on my notes. Silly girl. I got your big Dora coloring book and then daddy and I laid on the couch watching you color and draw. You held the pen just like an adult does. So perfect, you are soo perfect. At 8:30 you told us you were ready for bed. Daddy kissed you and said goodnight, I made you a bottle, walked you upstairs and kissed you good night. I laid you down on the pillow with your head on the left side of the bed. You rolled over on your left side and went to sleep.

Daddy and I watched TV for a bit and talked about how much we love you and are proud of you. I kissed your daddy good night, and I stayed up working on my research. Something told me not to go to sleep. Around 2am, I was cross-eyed and about to head to sleep. Something felt uneasy and told me to check up on you. I opened the door and you were tossing and turning as if you were about to wake. I quickly and softly stepped out of the room and closed the door. I climbed in bed with daddy and went to sleep.

Your daddy left for work at 6:30am and the pugs woke me up at 7 barking like crazy. I didn't hear you on the monitor so I shooshed them saying "pugs, hayley's still asleep" and I rolled over and went back to bed. I woke up at 9 and thought you were sleeping in. You had your first dental appointment and around 9:30 I decided I should wake you up. I put your breakfast hot pocket in the microwave and a diaper on the bed. I walked upstairs saying "Hayley, wake up, here comes mommy." Normally when I did that, I could hear you wrestling in your bed and making almost panting noises in excitement. I heard nothing. I opened your door and saw you face down in the middle of your bed with your head towards the window. I flipped you over. You were stiff, cold and purple. I grabbed the phone, called 911, and ran you downstairs. I laid you gently on the floor in front of the couch and attempted to revive you while waiting for the ambulance. The ambulance seemed to of taken forever to get there and I just remember trying to do CPR but your jaw was clenched shut and I couldn't get your mouth open.

As soon as the paramedics got there, I called your daddy and he was racing home. Your daddy and I stood there in the family room watching them work on you with our arms around each other and praying to God you would wake up. I remember hearing one of the paramedic say the same thing that I had found "captain, her jaw is clenched". We followed them to the hospital and sat in the other room while they were trying to revive you. I was sitting down and your daddy was pacing. I'll never forget when the nurse came in and told your daddy and I "we've done everything possible, it's too late." I remember crying and begging them to put you on life support or something to give us more time. She said you had been gone for too long. Your daddy and I just grasped each other crying. Our hearts had broken. They cleaned you up. We sat in the room with you, taking turns holding you for an hour and a half. They pumped you with some liquid that kept coming out of your nose and your daddy kept grabbing tissues to wipe your nose clean and keep it from your beautiful face. We didn't want to let you go, but we knew we had to. Your daddy held my hand and said "it's time hun." We both kissed you with tears down our faces and laid you down. Daddy and I were then escorted to NCIS where they separated us into two rooms, asking us questions about what happened the day prior and that morning. It was grueling but we understood it had to be done.

I remember getting home. I remember the section of the sidewalk in front of our house that I broke down crying on as I was too scared to go inside. Your daddy was soo strong through it all. He lifted me up, held me in his arms and assured me that it was going to be ok. He walked me into the house. As soon as we got in, we laid on the couch, holding each other crying missing our baby girl. Later on, we looked at each other and just said "what now? what do we do now?" On our way to the funeral home, we took stone street, the street you and I used to go on daily walks down. School was letting out and all these parents were there walking their kids home. At the time, I was mad, angry and trying to understand why all these people were laughing and carrying on. I have since realized that life does go on, people grow, nature grows, new babies are born and the sun and moon continue to rise.

I go back to that day and think of all the what ifs. I ask God daily why didn't you wake up. I have come to realize in the past 4 years that you did wake up that morning. You woke up in heaven, in the arms of God. You got to live a life free of sin and knowing nothing but happiness and love. I cannot be any happier with that. As with human nature, we are selfish and want you back here in our arms. I guess it's more that we are impatient because we know one day, we will see you again and it'll be more amazing than having you back here now. We miss you more than words can express. Your daddy has a way of always cheering me up when I get sad thinking about you. Our hearts still ache but we are getting through it. Knowing that you continue to influence others, that you still make people smile and laugh and knowing that you continue to touch peoples' lives gives us the strength to get through the days.

We love you Hayley,

Mama, dada and baby brother Matthew