To our sweet baby girl:

I made this blog for your third anniversary but I wasn't ready to write in it yet. Here I am, a year later, four years after you left this earth, finally writing. I was remembering how on the night of April 3rd, 2008, we had ordered chinese and you got to eat kung pao chicken for the first time. We brought your highchair to the family room so we all sat together and watched TV while we ate dinner. Afterwards, your daddy gave you a bath. As always, you went potty in the tub. Daddy said "oh mommy......" We just sat there, laughing, saying "oh Hayley, silly girl." Daddy wrapped you up in your monkey towel, put you to the mirror and did the "naked baby" dance that he did every night he gave you a bath. I got your jammies and daddy got you dressed while I cleaned out the tub. We all went back to the family room. I sat on the couch working on my Master's research paper when you came, took my pen and started drawing on my notes. Silly girl. I got your big Dora coloring book and then daddy and I laid on the couch watching you color and draw. You held the pen just like an adult does. So perfect, you are soo perfect. At 8:30 you told us you were ready for bed. Daddy kissed you and said goodnight, I made you a bottle, walked you upstairs and kissed you good night. I laid you down on the pillow with your head on the left side of the bed. You rolled over on your left side and went to sleep.

Daddy and I watched TV for a bit and talked about how much we love you and are proud of you. I kissed your daddy good night, and I stayed up working on my research. Something told me not to go to sleep. Around 2am, I was cross-eyed and about to head to sleep. Something felt uneasy and told me to check up on you. I opened the door and you were tossing and turning as if you were about to wake. I quickly and softly stepped out of the room and closed the door. I climbed in bed with daddy and went to sleep.

Your daddy left for work at 6:30am and the pugs woke me up at 7 barking like crazy. I didn't hear you on the monitor so I shooshed them saying "pugs, hayley's still asleep" and I rolled over and went back to bed. I woke up at 9 and thought you were sleeping in. You had your first dental appointment and around 9:30 I decided I should wake you up. I put your breakfast hot pocket in the microwave and a diaper on the bed. I walked upstairs saying "Hayley, wake up, here comes mommy." Normally when I did that, I could hear you wrestling in your bed and making almost panting noises in excitement. I heard nothing. I opened your door and saw you face down in the middle of your bed with your head towards the window. I flipped you over. You were stiff, cold and purple. I grabbed the phone, called 911, and ran you downstairs. I laid you gently on the floor in front of the couch and attempted to revive you while waiting for the ambulance. The ambulance seemed to of taken forever to get there and I just remember trying to do CPR but your jaw was clenched shut and I couldn't get your mouth open.

As soon as the paramedics got there, I called your daddy and he was racing home. Your daddy and I stood there in the family room watching them work on you with our arms around each other and praying to God you would wake up. I remember hearing one of the paramedic say the same thing that I had found "captain, her jaw is clenched". We followed them to the hospital and sat in the other room while they were trying to revive you. I was sitting down and your daddy was pacing. I'll never forget when the nurse came in and told your daddy and I "we've done everything possible, it's too late." I remember crying and begging them to put you on life support or something to give us more time. She said you had been gone for too long. Your daddy and I just grasped each other crying. Our hearts had broken. They cleaned you up. We sat in the room with you, taking turns holding you for an hour and a half. They pumped you with some liquid that kept coming out of your nose and your daddy kept grabbing tissues to wipe your nose clean and keep it from your beautiful face. We didn't want to let you go, but we knew we had to. Your daddy held my hand and said "it's time hun." We both kissed you with tears down our faces and laid you down. Daddy and I were then escorted to NCIS where they separated us into two rooms, asking us questions about what happened the day prior and that morning. It was grueling but we understood it had to be done.

I remember getting home. I remember the section of the sidewalk in front of our house that I broke down crying on as I was too scared to go inside. Your daddy was soo strong through it all. He lifted me up, held me in his arms and assured me that it was going to be ok. He walked me into the house. As soon as we got in, we laid on the couch, holding each other crying missing our baby girl. Later on, we looked at each other and just said "what now? what do we do now?" On our way to the funeral home, we took stone street, the street you and I used to go on daily walks down. School was letting out and all these parents were there walking their kids home. At the time, I was mad, angry and trying to understand why all these people were laughing and carrying on. I have since realized that life does go on, people grow, nature grows, new babies are born and the sun and moon continue to rise.

I go back to that day and think of all the what ifs. I ask God daily why didn't you wake up. I have come to realize in the past 4 years that you did wake up that morning. You woke up in heaven, in the arms of God. You got to live a life free of sin and knowing nothing but happiness and love. I cannot be any happier with that. As with human nature, we are selfish and want you back here in our arms. I guess it's more that we are impatient because we know one day, we will see you again and it'll be more amazing than having you back here now. We miss you more than words can express. Your daddy has a way of always cheering me up when I get sad thinking about you. Our hearts still ache but we are getting through it. Knowing that you continue to influence others, that you still make people smile and laugh and knowing that you continue to touch peoples' lives gives us the strength to get through the days.

We love you Hayley,

Mama, dada and baby brother Matthew