Cleaning out Emails

Hey sweet baby girl :) I love you!!! I'm working on cleaning out my email box. Part of the whole decluttering my life streak I have going on right now. It's actually quite liberating. I came across the email that I had sent to the whole family:

Hayley had her follow-up cardiology apt. this morning. 
 
Her VSD is completely closed up!! YAY!! She still has a very small PFO (basically a flap connecting the two chambers has a teeny tiny hole still) but it's nothing to worry about and normal for her age. So, no more follow-ups and she won't need antibiotics for dental work. 
 
On another note, we were giving her milk for awhile there and it coincided with her all of the sudden waking up crying at all hours of the night and being super crabby and mean during the day along with a ton of gas. So, we took away the milk to see if that was it. Yup, she's not ready for milk quite yet. It's been 4 days and she's back to being a happy camper and sleeping all night again without a peep. So, we're going to keep her on it for awhile longer. 
 
Oh, and she's getting big! We realized the other night that she's going to be a bully. We went to a Christmas party and as soon as we got in the car, Matt said "our daughter is huge. she's going to be a bully". By huge, we mean she's not chubby, she's just extremely stocky, muscular and very strong. There were kids her age there and you would of thought hayley was months ahead of them. She went up to touch one of the boys but knocked him down instead. I don't think she completely recognizes her strength. 
 
I tried converting her crib to a toddler bed. I just had this strong feeling that it was time to do so. It's really easy with her crib. I just take off the front and put up the toddler rails. So, it basically looks like a crib minus the front and with two rails coming from the ends so she doesn't roll off. Well, I went to go attach the safety rails and realized that I had assembled her crib backwards! lol yeah, i bet that doesn't surprise any of you.. lol Anyways, she loved it and when it was time to go take a nap, she climbed up the stairs, walked into her room, climbed into her bed and laid down. However, I decided that she wasn't quite ready for the toddler bed yet because she thinks she can fly head first, so, as soon as she laid down for her nap, I put the front of the crib back up. We'll try another day. 
 
Branflakes 

Your dad and I STILL talk about that night at the Christmas party lol You were so strong, healthy, vibrant. I try not to swallow in self-pity but I get angry when I go back in time to those moments where I would think about what you would be like in a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, etc. and realize I will never know. At that moment, I had no idea we were only going to have you for such short amount of time. My dreams for you a year down the road would never come to fruition and I had no idea. I can only hope and pray that one day I will see your strength again in Heaven.

Oh and your bed - oh your crib lol You are so different from your brothers. Matthew and Lucas have to sleep with mommy. After 3 months, you, miss independent, insisted on sleeping in your own bed. lol I thought for sure you were ready for a toddler bed at a year because you had been attempting to climb out of your crib since you were 10 months. So, I converted it. Then I stayed in your room and watched you sleep. At that point, I realized that much like your brother, you are an octopus on the move. I was so scared you were going to fall out of bed headfirst that while you were sleeping, I put the crib rail back up. A few days later, I attempted again but put pillows on the floor at the opening. That didn't really work and I remember hearing the "thump" from downstairs so the crib rail went right back on. A few more days later, we went and bought you a longer mesh toddler bed thingermabobber so there was no way you were going to fall out. You loved it and I can still vision your little body walking to the end of the bed where the opening was, sitting on your bottom and scooting off every morning I came upstairs to get you. <3

I love you baby girl! I wish you were here to play with your brothers. Matthew keeps telling me that he keeps praying that you'll visit him in his dream to play with him. I told him his Hayley dream will come soon. Lucas broke his leg. Off all you kiddos, he was the least likely I'd expect to have the first injury in the family, let alone an injury at all. He's starting to put wait on his foot when he's laying down on his tummy so I think it is healing rather rapidly, thank God! We have tons of plans for this summer so hopefully he won't be in his cast much longer.

Your dada is moving soon.... errrrrr ..... we'll talk about that later

Anyways, I hope to write more soon. I'll post some pics soon of our Color Run we did in your memory. It was a blast and your brother Matthew ran the whole 5k and keeps asking to run more haha

Luv ya
Mommy

Being selfish, I want you back

Hi baby girl. I got some news this week that has just shaken me to the core. We were told that your personal belongings would get returned to us. Your daddy and I have been trying to contact them for the past couple of years to get them back. We are now back in the area, back where I last had you in my arms and I thought we should go in person on base to inquire about it. Your daddy went the other day. He gave them his number and they were going to locate them and contact us. We got the call back the other day. It pains me so much to write this but I know I have to get it out. There were only three things I wanted back: your bedding, your jammies and your bear. I didn't really care about the rest. I just wanted the closest things to you when you took your last breath. The jammies you were wearing that felt the last time your chest rose. They are gone, destroyed, incinerated May 18, 2011. I sank to the ground. My heart felt like a knife was going through it. My stomach felt in knots. I wanted to punch the wall so hard. It felt like you had died all over again. We still do not have a complete answer as to your death and this was going to provide an ounce of closure for us. It doesn't help that I had just come to terms with parting with some of your belongings, to pass onto other kids to enjoy. Really regretting that right about now.

After the initial crying, I feel empty again, just plain numb. I miss you. I want you back. I keep going back to what daddy and I were doing on that day. Three days until our wedding anniversary and we were apart. I was traveling with your brother Matthew and who knows what your daddy was doing. We should of been together. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage. We should of been together that day. God it hurts so bad. I don't understand the pain. I don't understand why we lost you. Why you? Why us? If it's because God has some miraculous plan and knew I was strong enough to handle it, I'd rather be weak. Looking back, I'm amazed at how far I've come with this thing called grief. The funny thing with grief, however, is it's a vicious cycle. There's always something that pops up and brings it back full force. Shock and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. I've learned to recognize each stage, allow it to come and feel it. The bounce back to acceptance comes quicker each time. With that said, on some days I feel as if I'm just superficially holding the pieces together and that one day they will shatter. I have an amazing support system that helps tremendously. I thank you for bringing every person into my life in some way shape or form. I'm not sure how long it's going to take me this time to bounce back. It is by far the biggest blow since the day you passed on. Mama could really use a sign right about now. I love you more than you'll ever know.